Climate Change Conference Executive Secretary ‘Disappointed’ by Lack of Attractive People at Copenhagen Talks

Yvo de Boer, the Executive Secretary of the UNFCCC has spoken of his ‘disappointment’ at the small number of attractive people attending the global talks at the Bella Center in Copenhagen.

‘When I first arrived, the Center was buzzing with activity and I just knew that within a few hours, the place would be Babe Central,’ said the passionate negotiator, ‘but after two days, I regret to admit that my initial excitement was unfounded. Everyone here is very average-looking.’

When quizzed on the problem of the US Senate’s potential obstruction in producing a legally-binding treaty, Mr de Boer replied, ‘When you bring so many people from all over the world together like this, you expect a certain percentage of honeys. This has been a tremendous disappointment.’

Yvo de Boer demands more Copenhagen candy at an impromptu press conference

Chief Negotiator Stefan Troeer echoed Mr de Boer’s frustration, confessing, ‘I only took this job for the foxes. One gets to meet an awful lot of crumpet in this job but Copenhagen must go on record as being the most unsexy conference I’ve ever been to.’

Several other secretaries representing both the rich and developing nations have also weighed into the debate. One anonymous negotiator said, ‘Little is being achieved here in Copenhagen because everyone is so plain. Their clothes are drab and crinkled. Hardly anyone appears to care about hair maintenance. I’ve seen some truly offensive ears and mouths today…There is no doubt that an injection of hotties is very much needed during these negotiations.’

The talks continue until the 18th December.

Neil Devon Remounts – Episode Nine

Neil Devon has lost everything since the recession. Join with him on his video blog as he starts all over again. Episode 9 – Neil visits American life coach Lesley Angel who gets more than just a new client.

Today I Saw a Woman in Clapham Common Being Stalked By Her Ex-Lover (Who Just Happens to be an Ice Cream Man)

A Loathsome Crooked Hat

So Scotland has lost its buddy across the Atlantic. Since the Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset al-Megrahi arrived in Libya several weeks ago, lauded by supporters at the airport flying the flags of St Andrew and wearing Jimmy-wigs, Scotland has been viewed by our cousins across the Pond as a friend of terrorism, a loathsome, crooked hat perched atop of England’s head.

Day after day, American animosity towards Scotland grows. Anti-Scottish websites are being created (good ones too with impressive Flash intros), more and more US movie goers are claiming that Roger Moore was the best James Bond, millions of disgruntled music fans are returning their Proclaimers albums, and synchronised bonfires are being lit across the States with DVD copies of ‘Loch Ness’ starring Ted Danson being tossed upon them with unrelenting fury.

In response to this unprecedented lambasting, the Scottish Parliament demanded that Justice Minister and vaudeville comedian Kenny McCaskill come to Holyrood and say exactly the same things that he had said earlier in the week but this time in front of a room full of opposition politicians who desperately wanted to be seen by the international community (and in particular, President Fonzie Obama) shaking their heads and tut-tutting.

Remaining defiant, Mr. McCaskill reiterated that his decision was based on the existing laws of release on compassionate grounds. However, he added that he had been appalled by the Beatleswelcome that al-Megrahi bathed himself in upon his return to Libya and had spoken with the Libyan authorities beforehand to ensure that such an occurrence would not happen.

The unavoidable and revelatory conclusion therefore appears to be that this dictatorial government with whom we have been working closely is not entirely trustworthy. Well, they better not screw us on the oil too, that’s all I can say.

Hire Me

We Value Your Comments (Part I)

An online UK guide to bars, restaurants and clubs has invited users to leave their own reviews. The comments below are genuine.

Restaurants

“food is gross. found a hair in my chicken korma it was also cold. staff is friendly.”

“We opted for the carvey. Raw beef. veg that had been there for hours.large bill expensive drinks. Sunday spent in the bathroom. Usually nothing moves me due to medication.”

“There is a big mould patch on the wall by the fireplace that has been ‘disguised’ by a tea-towel depicting sights of Rottingdean.”

“The restaurant has an eastern european habit of charging for food that was never actually asked for.”

“DONT DARE ASK FOR SOMETHIN DIFFERENT LIKE CHIPS INSTEAD OF POTATOES THATS BAD BAD.”

“the waiters dont speak really good english and complete dont understand what we wanted for ours meal”

“Very bad service even for a tourist trap. Plus I had a dirty spoon.”

“hi my name is jose santos i´d like to make a booking for tomorrow(friday,24-07-09”

“After eating only half of the mixed grill i started to feel sick and have sufferd from cronic squirts all night THANK YOU TO THE CHEF FOR THIS .”

“potato wedges looks like from the stone age era.”

“They obviously use frozen fish as it tasted like cotton.”

Pubs and Bars

“word of warning to the pub I’m back in Weston in 3 weeks with two coach loads of oap’s and they wont be drinking or eating in your pub. have a nice day.”

“definitely a great date venue, the only problem being the toilets. they were generally ok, with good lighting and soft loo roll, but the condom machine only took £1 coins and I much prefer my condom machines to take 5p coins as I like to use up my spare change.”

“Nicely done up, new manager is a prick though.”

“its by far the best night out in a local real ale pub by with entertainment by far.”

Clubs

“the only downside is that at some point someone took of their shoes or something so there was a smell for like 30 min.”

“WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T GO HERE!!!THE DOORMEN ARE THE RUDEST I HAVE EVER MET GIVE IT A WIDE MISS”

“Watch out for the stairs into the club, they go down.”

I’m Not Bear Grylls

However, someone thinks I am.

I received the following email last week after I posted my jovial poem about the stern-voiced insect-eater.

“You are absolutely fantastic, impressive, incredible.”

At this point, I was genuinely excited that I had received some actual fan mail.

“I have really impressed with everything you do.”

Well, I’m not quite sure I understand, but thank you!

“and, I think that is very cool that you can face any situation where you are.”

Er…okay.

“You are really an example of overcoming. See you makes me feel better.”

Oh bollocks, you think I’m Bear Grylls.

“I hope some day will can face my difficult and stupid situations how do you deal with the danger, the fear and your ‘not losing hope’. Thank you!!”

Don’t mention it.

My Tim & Eric DVD Arrived Today

I’m so happy. I’m so very, very happy.

The George Administration

The 44th President of the United States has a psychological hold upon us all which erodes our ability to criticise him. Nobody has been able to put their finger on it, until now.

There are many theories one could formulate about how his intellect and wisdom and oratory brilliance have created an impenetrable, invisible shield. One could argue that his leadership skills and political superstrength have bound us all together in an unshakable appreciation of his general fabulousness, causing our doubts about such troubling matters as the alleged torture of Bagram detainees to dribble away gently from our conscious minds.

However, the simplest reasoning actually lies with his name: ‘Obama’ sounds more like a first name and ‘Barack’ sounds more like a second name. Therefore, when we hear in the news of new measures being taken by the ‘Obama Administration’, it sounds a lot more friendly and personable and consequently we are more enthusiastic to whatever these new measures may be.

For instance, if we had heard that the ‘George Administration’ had announced its intention to embark on an illegal war because two buildings in New York fell down, I don’t think we would have kicked up such a fuss. And if the ‘Bill Administration’ had revealed that the President let a member of the White House staff play with his star-spangled wanger, we wouldn’t have battered an international eyelid.

It pays to not use your surname quite so readily. By switching his names over, Barack Obama has created a genius diversionary tactic unmatched by any politician. Obama Barack. Say it. You know it sounds better.

Brand New Showreel

Four minutes and thirty-two seconds of versatility and facial hair.