Evan Davis has Two Silver Rings on the Index and Middle Fingers of his Right Hand – A Poem

Evan Davis has two silver rings on the index and middle fingers of his right hand,
I don’t understand.

I don’t understand,
Why Evan Davis has two silver rings on the index and middle fingers of his right hand
I don’t understand.

They’re very nice rings,
And I’m sure they signify all sorts of things,
But I don’t understand,
Why Evan Davis has two silver rings on the index and middle fingers of his right hand.

Basically I’m finding it hard to make my expectations of how a business
news reporter should conduct his or herself fit comfortably with Evan Davis’s seemingly reckless finger decoration.

They distract me when,
I watch Dragon’s Den.

Crisps Taste Better if you Open Them From the Bottom

Many years ago in 1983,
My dad called me over and popped me on his knee.

He said ‘Son I have some news and let it never be forgotten’,
That a bag of crisps taste better when opened from the bottom.

I said, ‘Dad can this wait? I’m playing Donkey Kong’,
I’ve cleared the last barrel so take it seat it won’t take long.

He said, ‘Turn that game off now and listen to my news,’
‘I’ve discovered the best solution to improving salty foods.’

‘A bag of cheese and onion or sour cream and chive,’
‘If torn out from below, can really come alive.’

I said, ‘Okay let me try it’ and ran to Supersavers,
Returning shortly after with a multipack of Quavers.

I broke a packet open and kept it pointing south,
I grabbed a fist of corny curls and shoved them in my mouth.

I chewed and then I swallowed, I gave a grumpy frown,
‘These crisps do not taste better if you eat them upside down.’

My dad just smiled at me and gave a knowing nod,
‘Quavers aren’t really crisps’, he said, ‘You ignorant little sod.’

Weird Pointy-Out Eyebrow Hair

Late last April it started to get bad,
Growing out of my head like the horns of a stag,
I can’t take it,
This eyebrow hair.

It’s a mutant rogue that won’t join the collection,
A TV aerial without a reception,
I can’t take it,
This eyebrow hair.

I’m understanding it’s need for space,
But it looks like a javelin has speared my face,
I can’t take it,
This eyebrow hair.

I bought some hair gel to try and flatten it,
But now it’s much harder and you can hang your hat on it,
I can’t take it,
This eyebrow hair.

A man said, ‘You’ll have someone’s eye out with that,’
I said, ‘Put it to the test, you arrogant twat,’
I can’t take it,
This eyebrow hair.

The man crossed the road intent on a clash,
And was promptly run over by a Renault Espace,
I can’t take it,
This eyebrow hair.

Another said, ‘It’s dangerous, just comb it down,’
So I hit him on the head by making a frown,
I can’t take it,
This eyebrow hair.

Why can’t the thing just do as its told?
I wrote that last bit in Helvetica Bold,
I can’t take it,
This eyebrow hair.

I know it seems strange to mention the font,
But it just goes to show how angry I’ve got,
I can’t take it,
This eyebrow hair.

I try to cut it off but it just grows back,
It’s a looming presence that’s scaring the cat,
I can’t take it,
This eyebrow hair.

But tomorrow I’m sure it’ll be remove in a flash,
I’m tying one end to a Renault Espace.

I Am U2’s Gardener

I am U2’s gardener,
They’ve been employing me for years,
It all began when Bono saw,
What I could do with a pair of shears.

Now I prepare the soil,
For every member of the band,
Adam Clayton grew his Coral Bells,
With cinders, ashes and sand,

(Which is what you need for breaking up heavy lumps of soil.)

I can recall their tragic Dahlias,
Shabby, dull and droopier,
Yet today I envy the Appleblossoms,
Of Larry Mullen Junior.

The front man loves his Snapdragons,
Glowing like elegant ladies,
The colour and beauty of their decorative shape,
Piss on Coldplay’s daisies.

I don’t touch the hedge, That belongs to The Edge.

Please Take That Thundercats T-Shirt Off

Please take that Thundercats T-Shirt Off,
You’re nearly 38.

Your birthday is on April 7th,
And today is May 30th,
Which confirms what I said earlier.

The superhuman cat-based animation series was first aired in the UK in 1986,
When you were 15,
That’s just weird.

Did you really watch Thundercats?
Did you ever watch Thundercats?
Will you ever watch Thundercats?

Wearing that Thundercats T-shirt doesn’t increase your credibility as a social commentator on American pop culture,
It simply tells us that you went to HMV once, bought a Thundercats T-shirt and that it was probably nice.

Please take that Thundercats T-shirt off,
You’ve got it tucked into your jeans,
You’ve got it tucked into your jeans.